The late Henry Miller told the story of how one of his wives set out to catch him inflagrante delicto by returning early from holiday. She found him in bed with her best friend.

'What did you do?' asked a BBC interviewer.

'I left my wife immediately, of course,' said Miller. 'I couldn't tolerate being married to a woman who didn't trust me.'

If he hadn't been a man of integrity and principles, of course, Miller could have saved his marriage. When Mrs Miller walked in, he could have said: 'Before you jump to any conclusions, my dear, wait until you have spoken to the private detective who is going to walk through that door in exactly three minutes' time carrying a camera. April and her husband want to rush their divorce through and I agreed to help them by providing evidence of adultery. But no one must know that nothing of a sexual nature transpired between April and me otherwise the divorce would be declared null and void on the grounds of collusion. And, don't worry, my dear, my name won't be brought into it.'

Ten minutes later, when no private detective has appeared, Miller would have said: 'I'm afraid my wife's untimely arrival may have frightened away our private eye, April. After all, he stands to lose his licence if anyone finds out it's a put-up job. I suggest we try again tomorrow.

'Is that all right with you, dear? By the way, how was your holiday? Tell me all about it while April is getting dressed ...'

There can be only one other legitimate reason why you are apparently engaged in an act of shameless adultery. You are on a mission of mercy. Your partner is a terminal cancer patient with one week to live, who has made one last request: you. It meant nothing. It would have been churlish to deny a dying person one last moment of sexual gratification. The fact that your extra-marital partner is so attractive makes the situation all the more tragic that, this time next week, they'll be pushing up the daisies.

Chico Marx, caught kissing a chorus girl, told Mrs Marx: 'I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.'

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