The best reason for calling off a wedding is the one that is preferably given by telephone from a very great distance. It is: 'Darling, I probably ought to have mentioned this before. I am already married.'

An equally compelling argument against walking up the aisle, or signing the book in the register office, is: 'I don't love you.'

If you want to sugar the pill, however, you could say this:

'When I collected my birth certificate today I discovered that the couple I have called Mum and Dad all my life aren't my real parents at all. My real father was hanged for murder and my real mother was a concentration camp guard who died after the war in an asylum. They never married, so I am also illegitimate. I need some time to think, to discover who I really am now that I know that I'm not the person I thought I was.'

No one will try to talk you out of that one.

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