Turning down a loved one, or even an unloved one, without detonating a row or a fit of the sulks, is like defusing a sophisticated time-bomb booby-trapped with anti-handling devices. The secret - your only hope of success, in fact - is to convince your partner that there is nothing personal in it.

'I fancy you like mad, but not it', is a face-saving formula which will grant you a reprieve in any 'regularised' relationship. It's not you, it's not them, it's It. The same It that has made it rain all summer, turned monsoons into a drought, and caused polar bears to attempt to swim towards Africa. What's going on? You wish you knew, but personally you blame the Russians.

" A fanciful variation is, 'I fancy you like mad, but not now.' In other words, go for an adjournment in the hope that, when the appointed hour arrives, your partner's libido will have gone into a decline or your own will have been restored. Why don't you fancy it now? It's your biorhythms. Your body clock's all wrong and according to your 'chart' the best time is going to be tomorrow morning/tonight/lunch-time/next week. You know jolly well that if you give in to your persistent partner now, you can't be certain of getting it from them then, when you will be at your mental, emotional, and physical peak.

Your body clock - it needs to be established for the future safety of this excuse - is subject to change, your biorhythmic peaks switching from morning to night and back again at short notice.

The words 'We have a contraceptive problem' not only involve your partner in your excuse but will also quite likely put him or her off the whole idea of sex, bearing in mind the possible outcome. Easier for a woman than a man, this, since more women than men now shoulder the burden of responsibility for contraception. The possibilities are almost endless:

• You suspect your coil has fallen out.
• You think it may have become dislodged.
• You stopped taking the Pill nine days ago because it was making you feel nauseous. Would it be wise to take a chance?
• You're fresh out of contraceptive foam/pessaries. You found the cat playing with your Dutch cap under the bed. You don't think he perforated it, but with those needle-sharp claws . . .

Men don't have so many options for abstinence on contraceptive grounds. Either you inadvertently sent the last packet of condoms to the laundry in the pocket of your pyjama jacket, or 'some strange things' have been happening recently that lead you to believe that your vasectomy may have reversed itself.

You can hardly spring previously unknown medical grounds on a spouse or intimate acquaintance, so it has to be a pain-versus-pleasure contest, in which pain will, you fear, come out on top.

Pains for her: menstruation, ovulation, or any other potentially agonising gynaecological problem, including coil-induced cramps, cystitis, thrush, or other mysterious below-the belt aches.

Pains for him: a visitation of thrush which stings but isn't necessarily occasioned by sexual misconduct (though it is infectious) or, indeed, any other tenderness around his Tenderest Parts, such as boils, mystery inflammations, etc.

For him or her: a self-dislocating hip which needs a night's rest to put itself back into place.

I mention in passing that, at the time of writing, the very latest trend sweeping America is celibacy. Not making love apparently is all the rage and it has even caught on with married couples, who claim that abstinence allows them to be 'more spiritual' together. An announcement therefore that you would like to give celibacy a try might just work if your partner is very trend-conscious. But if I were you, don't plan to persevere with it. You might end up being celibate for rather longer than you planned.

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