Just as some people are slow to dip their hand into their pocket, so those same people give a very good impersonation of a host who has given up the search for the lost key to the cocktail cabinet.

Life is too short to sit there all night staring into a teacup while dropping hints about the attractive cut-glass tumblers on the sideboard and striking up conversations about the merciful failure of some products, such as whisky, to keep pace with the general rise of the cost-of-living index.

What you need is a reason to have a drink, so that you can ask for one the moment it becomes clear you are not going to be offered one. Your reason is our old friend 'a rare medical condition'.

Since birth, you have suffered from a constriction of the capillaries, and a succession of doctors and consultants has treated the disorder with a variety of drugs, the latest of which was costing the Health Service £45 per day.

Recently you have been co-operating in research into the condition, conducted by the capillary constriction unit at Bart's where doctors believe that they have at last discovered a cure: alcohol. They have found that whisky, or an equivalent dose of gin or vodka, taken every four hours, is sufficient to prevent you from blacking out, which is an unhappy consequence of this affliction. Your next dose is already ten minutes overdue.

Depending on how well this goes down with your inhospitable host or hostess, you could ask for your next dose 'in advance', pointing out that in four hours' time the pubs will be shut. You ask this only because you find it so sordid, in a public place, to have to remove from your trouser pocket a miniature bottle of spirits and drink the contents.

As you empty the contents of your second glass down your throat, you should condemn the Government bitterly for being so short-sighted and narrow-minded as to refuse to consider your personal request to make this daily 'medicine' available 'on the Health'.

If you don't feel up to spinning a yarn, you might try this: 'You look far too tired to go to all that trouble to make a cup of tea. Let's just settle for some gin.'

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