From a social engagement

It is 10.30 pm and the friends who are entertaining you are not being very entertaining. Suddenly you wish you were at home in bed. But to leave so soon after dinner would be less than polite. Unless . . .

'Dammit!' you exclaim, looking at your watch. 'I forgot to set the video recorder to tape Some Like It Hot at 11.15.'

'Watch it here,' says your obliging host. 'I don't mind seeing it again. It's a wonderfully funny film.'

'Thank you, but I 've seen it half a dozen times,' you reply. 'No, I promised to record it for a friend who's abroad. I can't let him down because he's always taping programmes for me when I'm away.'

'You can record it on ours,' says your too obliging host. 'Your video is a VHS like ours, isn't it?'

'Yes,' you say, 'but our friend left his video with us when he went away and unfortunately it's a Betamax. The tape wouldn't be compatible.'

You thank your hosts profusely for their hospitality and head home for an early night.

Having to drive the baby-sitter home is a fairly good exit line, too, but not before 11 pm. If you want to leave any earlier than that, your baby-sitter has to be in the middle of her 'O' levels or sitting the finals of her SRN exams, with a crucial practical at 8.30 the following morning ('It just wouldn't be fair .. .').

Calling your baby-sitter to make sure everything's all right - and getting no reply - is a good enough excuse to leave five minutes after you arrived, especially if you suddenly remember you left an unguarded four-bar electric fire in your bedroom ('I couldn't relax or enjoy myself, not knowing...'). Dial a number you know will never answer, like a police station, a national newspaper, or one of the Post Office information services.

An epileptic, diabetic, and alcoholic next-door neighbour whom you have taken under your wing is good for a quick getaway, too. Tell everyone about her latest binge and voice your fears about finding her in a coma after it's too late to do anything. ('I'd never forgive myself if I didn't look in.')

Friends arriving from abroad are insufficient reason to leave a pleasant social occasion early, because you should have either brought them with you or made arrangements in your absence for them to gain entry to your home and await your return. The solution here is to have done just that - to have left the keys under a loose brick - but forgotten to warn your visitors about switching off the burglar alarm.

The expectation of a telephone call from abroad doesn't cut much ice these days and 'I've got to be up early' is merely an admission of a lack of stamina on your part. 'My doctor says I must be in bed by 11 pm every night for six months' is OK, provided that you indicate the medical grounds and make the excuse in advance as a condition of your acceptance of the invitation.

From work

Since you are presumably being paid for the early cut, your excuse should be of a worthy or medical nature. 'I have to give blood' passes on both these counts. 'I've got an appointment at the Family Planning clinic' is something you could and should have arranged in your own time, since it is directly related to recreation, but 'I don't wish to avail myself of the company's generous maternity leave and benefits, so would it be all right if I kept a 2 pm appointment at the clinic to have a coil fitted?' almost qualifies you for an award to industry.

'I have to have my dressing changed' sounds unpleasant and sinister enough to deter all but the strictest disciplinarian from inquiring further about the nature of the sore or injury. But should such questions be asked, the mention of an abscess, without specifying on which part of your body it is to be found, should terminate the conversation and win you the permission you seek. You may even be told to take tomorrow off.

A visit at home from two police officers investigating a robbery you almost witnessed ('they said they didn't want to embarrass me by interviewing me at work') will also strike an authentic note, especially when you report next day that the questions they asked seemed to you to be wholly irrelevant.

Interesting reasons to leave work early are guaranteed to attract more sympathy than boring, stereotyped requests. For instance, if your aunt hid a large sum of money and jewels before she died, what would be more natural for you than to ask a medium to arrange a seance to contact your aunt to inquire about its whereabouts?

Back to Art of Excuses Index