Other people's pets are a big enough pain in their own home without having them inflicted on you in yours, so when friends announce that they will be arriving accompanied, immediate preventative action has to be taken.

Saying, 'We'd love to see you but not your poofy poodle' is tantamount to telling your friends not to bring a husband or wife. They will take strong exception to your request, and rightly so. What you have to do is find an excuse that will make them want to leave their horrible little four-footed friend behind.

A killer mink on the loose works a treat in the country, I always find. Emphasise the death toll ('four dogs already this week, and the vicar's cat') and the unpleasant method of sudden death meted out. ('Minks always disembowel their prey. Horrible!')

A trigger-happy local farmer whose sheep have been worried by stray dogs is also an effective deterrent. ('He never misses - got a Cruft's winner last year.')

In town, the presence of a neurotic animal belonging to another visitor is an acceptable excuse for barring friends' pets - it demonstrates, after all, that you are acting in the best interests of animals and not just imposing your prejudices on others. An aunt visiting with her easily frightened chihuahua, perhaps? Or if your guests are themselves intending to bring a chihuahua, an uncle visiting with his Dobermann will do the trick. The absence of the alibi pet when your guests arrive can be easily explained by a last-minute change in plans.

There's no reason why you or a member of your family shouldn't develop a violent allergy to the fur of domestic animals. ('I'd love you to bring Shandy, but honestly I simply dare not have him in the house. The doctor says that if...')

The convenience of allergies is that they can go away as quickly and mysteriously as they afflict you and they make a good talking point when your friends arrive dog-less. ('Last time I stroked a cat I came out in blotches and sneezed for a week.')

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