An invitation, is 'an offer of hospitality or entertainment'. If you decline to accept such warm-hearted generosity you will certainly disappoint your expectant host or hostess and may even nark them. Unless, that is, you have a good reason for not being able to attend. There can be only three main grounds for refusal, besides the true one of not wanting to go, of course.

1 Geographical - i.e., you are here and they are there and, due to insurmountable transport difficulties, you physically cannot transport yourself from A to B and back again.

2 You have previously committed yourself to doing something else at the same time and cannot extricate yourself from the arrangement.

3 Unavoidable circumstances and other factors that would equally prevent you going to collect a cheque for a lottery win of £500,000 on the same day, at the same time, in the same place.

All three are rich in possibilities for the social escapologist.

Travel difficulties

There is a condition known as nyctalopia - in layman's terms, night blindness - which makes it dangerous, if not impossible, to drive a car at night. It is a condition which is certainly worth cultivating for friends who are inaccessible by public transport.

Broken-down cars are no excuse unless the cause of the breakdown is an interesting or unusual one, 'Some kids in the street stuffed Play-doh up my exhaust and the engine did a Mount St Helens when I was doing 90 mph down the fast lane of the M 25' is an OK excuse, on account of the fact that it will provide a talking point for your rejected host and hostess in your absence.

It is perfectly reasonable to refuse to travel by public transport at night, or even during the day, if you have ever been mugged. It's worth putting this about, in case you ever need to use the excuse. No one can fail to sympathise with a guest whose polite refusal starts, 'Ever since I was mugged...'

Previous engagement

This must be less glamorous than the one you are turning down, and you should make your insistence on going ahead with this previous arrangement a public demonstration of your absolute and unassailable integrity. Like the surgeon's wife who told friends: 'I'm afraid we can't come to dinner. My husband's been lucky enough to obtain a corpse and wants to practise a new operation.'

Phrase your excuse more tactfully than Oscar Wilde, who said: 'Unfortunately I have a subsequent engagement.'

Unavoidable circumstances

If your popularity rating is twenty-one out of a possible score of twenty, it will soon plummet to zero when you inform people your doctor thinks you might have hepatitis.

'Our baby-sitter has just discovered she is pregnant' offers no clue as to why you should be prevented from attending a dinner in three weeks' time, but it carries an authoritative air of crisis about it. Maybe that's the day you're taking her in for an abortion? Maybe you can't find another baby-sitter because word has gone round the neighbourhood that you're the one who got her into trouble? It leaves people wondering, but not about your inability to attend.

'Thank you, but we never do" has a finality that cannot be disputed when offered as a reason for not spending a weekend with friends.

So does, 'I've had a psychic premonition ..."

'Unfortunately my wife's father's body is being exhumed on that day' invites the question 'Why?' to which the answer is, 'We have no idea, it's all very worrying.' You are immediately excused everything.

The best reason of all for not visiting someone's home is a point-blank refusal to leave your own. The explanation here is: 'We're expecting burglars', delivered in the same tone as you might announce, 'We've got the in-laws staying.' Housebreakers, when foiled in their first attempt to gain entry, often return for a second crack and no one would expect you to lose the colour telly and the wife's jewels for the sake of their bring-and-buy or a barbecue.

The shortest excuse is a telegram, which says simply: 'Diarrhoea. Writing.'

Back to Art of Excuses Index