Thanks to the profusion (or should it be confusion) of sex-advice books and sex therapists sounding off all the time about psycho-sexual problems, there is no shame these days in Not Getting It Up. At least, there shouldn't be. But a gentleman still owes it to a lady to come up with a face-saving excuse which will leave both of them in the clear if he can't come up with something else.

For this reason it is probably best for the man to blame his (hopefully) temporary embarrassment on someone who isn't there. 'I'm terribly sorry, but for a moment you reminded me so much of my first wife' ought to be good for a month's impotence, especially if he adds: 'We were very much in love in the beginning.'

A fiancee 'who died in tragic circumstances' is also worth having up your pyjama sleeve since, with luck, the living bedmate will regard it as a challenge to exorcise this particular ghost in the most exciting and inventive way.

'Stage Fright' is a legitimate reason for not giving your finest performance and demonstrates, when you describe it thus, that you have a sense of humour (although, if you keep on having first-night nerves, you risk being taken off after a week).

In the same vein, 'I'm never any good first time', is an excuse that an experienced woman will understand, having probably encountered it before; but it is not calculated to arouse sympathy in virgins or circumspect spinsters who don't wish to be reminded at a moment like this that they are one of a cast of thousands.

Any man who has been bitten on the bare bottom by a hornet can justifiably plead Fear Of Open Spaces if he fails to fulfil his potential in the great outdoors, or even in the back of a car. And in a contest of lust-versus-discomfort in a broom closet, discomfort can win every time without loss of face. ('Darling; be reasonable. How can I make love with my left foot jammed in a bucket and a Hoover handle up my bum?')

Good, old-fashioned guilt will always be given sympathetic consideration by Catholic girls, the great plus being that you don't have to be Catholic to claim to experience it. Since so much sexual activity is furtive or illicit anyway, you probably have every reason to be inhibited by guilt. But, if nothing else, it shows you have a conscience and even gives you an opportunity to express your feelings: 'Why should I feel guilty about something so beautiful, so right, so natural . . .?' The answer, possibly, is because you keep expecting her husband to walk through the bedroom door.

Stress, anxiety, and exhaustion are recognised medical causes of impotence and are therefore probably the only long-term excuses that will wash. But even if they are the cause of the hitch, they really shouldn't be used the first time, on account of the fact that no woman in her right mind is going to want to take on a new lover who is anxious, exhausted, and torn apart by stress.

The lover who announces, 'I'm sorry about this, but I'm very anxious and exhausted' invites the reply: 'You're right to be anxious, but so far you haven't done anything to exhaust yourself.'

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