I was going to come back and pay for it.

I got cheated at this store last week and I'm only evening the score.

It was just a prank.

You mean this isn't a free sample?

Property is theft! I was liberating it!

Things have souls; they want to be in a home, not some big impersonal store.

Oh, Jesus. You mean to tell me that personality is back? The doctor said I was cured . . . but I guess we're not.

This isn't stealing; it's pacifistic looting. I get the stuff, and you suffer no broken windows. Better for everyone, don't you think?

Yes, thank you. I wanted you to catch me. Don't you understand what it's like to have a war between good and bad in you? Punishment will be a relief.

Thank God I've been stopped. It's all part of my psychology training for my masters in social work. They insist we know what it feels like to be a criminal. My professor made me do it!

This isn't for me. It's for the poor. I'm a modern Robin Hood. Want to see my tights?

Congratulations. I'm one of the investigators from the retailers' association assigned to survey security in retail establishments throughout the country. Your techniques for tracking unauthorized inventory depletion deserve commendation. Who do you report to?